Fraternizing 42

Things in the Autobot base moved on slowly. Bulkhead struggled to regain the strength in his legs and was forbidden to transform until he had gained some strength. Cliffjumper met the same demise of being unable to transform because of his bum leg and arm. He hobbled along much better than Bulkhead did, though. Arcee talked to Cliffjumper a lot with Jack, and they slowly pulled the warrior out of his prickly shell of silence. Arcee even talked to Miko, letting her know of what had originally happened with her and Cliffjumper so the girl could help deal with Bulkhead's struggling recovery.

Dissent between the troops and Optimus lulled beneath the surface. No one voice anything, and the bots were a little worried, but Optimus's heartfelt apologies helped sway their sparks. Optimus also took on much of the energon scouting missions. It helped him clear his mind and let the others rest. He felt they needed it, and he felt he needed the solitude to keep his processor clear.

The humans were constant support.  Miko was a determined, cheerful cheerleader for Bulkhead and helped him through anything and everything. Raf was solid in keeping near Nightstalker, sometimes talking to her, sometimes just doing his homework. Raf and Bumblebee supported each other as best buds would, each using the other as their crutch.

Today, Nightstalker's fever had finally dipped to a healthy level, finally giving the medic the breathing room he so sought. It was a small victory compared to the amount of damage she still carried, but it was one Ratchet took to spark. He had to. He couldn't waver for anything, and so he took whatever could bolster his confidence. As he sat down on his other empty medical berth, he sighed heavily, passing a servo over his face to soothe the worry lines away. As he did so, he felt a ring in his processor. He frowned.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Ratchet," he heard the voice over the line say. "It's June Darby. I'm on my lunch break right now, so I thought this would be a good time to chat."

Ratchet paused, blinking owlishly at his computers. Here he was, tired, stressed, about half-drugged from the effects of not having enough sleep, and she wanted to . . . CHAT? What in Primus's name was going on . . .

"Ms. Darby, is something the matter?"

"No!" she said quickly. "Of course not! Jack told me I should call, that's all."

Ratchet paused, eyeing said human very suspiciously from across the room. The boy didn't notice the glare. "Is that so? What else has Jack told you?"

Instead of beating around the bush, he was surprised to hear her say, "Nearly everything. At least . . . as much as he gathers, I think. Nightstalker was raped by Megatron. How is she, Doctor?"

"S-She is—" Ratchet paused a moment to clear his throat gruffly before saying, "She's alive. She seems to finally be on the mend after combating a stifling fever . . . But I am on the lookout for her to regress again."

"So, she hasn't woken up yet?"

"No, ma'am."

He heard her make a perturbed sound from over the line. "I see . . . Well, whenever she does, give me a call. I think it would be good for me to talk to her. I have a little experience in this area, and I think it would be much easier for to talk it out girl to girl."

For some reason, her offer made the world sink more on his shoulders. Ratchet vented sharply, passing his hand over his face. "Ms. Darby, your offer is generous, but Nightstalker hardly knows you. Do you think she would tell you something so personal?"

"Would she to you?"

Ratchet winced. He'd like to think she would, in fact hoped she showed that much trust to him, but . . . He vented again. "I don't know. Thank you for your offer, whatever happens."

"I see." There was a short silence. "Ratchet, how are you doing?"

Ratchet's brows rose in surprise. "Me? Well, I'm fine, Ms. Darby."

"You are?" she said, and there was an underlying tone of her voice that made the medic want to squirm. "How much sleep have you gotten?"

Ratchet blinked again. "I'm . . . sorry?"

"Mh. I see. You haven't been sleeping enough."

Ratchet vented in frustration then, sitting up. "Ms. Darby, I am most capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much."

"Then why aren't you doing that?"

Her words hit like a refreshing slap in the face. Ratchet pinched his brows, slumping over again. "Ms. Darby, Nightstalker needs my attention more than I do."

"Ratchet, if you don't take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of your patients?"

Ratchet rested his forehead on his palm tiredly, too exhausted to contend in a battle of wits at this point. "Ms. Darby, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying you need to rest. Ratchet, I know all too well what you're doing. The way you get rid of your stress is to get everything done. If you have something hanging over your head—like Nightstalker's well being—that stresses you, so you only work harder to get done. You relieve stress by continuing to work." She finally paused in her words. She softened. "That's not good for you, Ratchet."

Ratchet closed his optics, stretching his neck to loosen the kinks. "Ms. Darby, you're words are kind, but I really have too much to do."

"Stressing yourself like this is only going to give yourself a higher frequency of emotional exhaustion. I bet I know exactly what you're doing, too. I bet your philosophy about all of this is to keep it to yourself and move on as nothing had happened. How many of the Autobots have you helped through the emotional whiplash of this rape?"

Ratchet vented sharply again. "Everyone, at some point."

"And how many have asked about your well being?"

He clenched his jaw. "All of them."

"And how many did you answer truthfully?"

His words stuck in his throat. Ms. Darby gave a knowing grunt over the line. "Ratchet, you need to relax."

"I can't. Not until Nightstalker is well again."

"You need to talk to someone."

Ratchet looked up at Jack across the room, who was chatting with Cliffjumper. "And that's why Jack had you call me. He was worried."

Quietly, he heard June repeat, "Yeah. He was worried . . ."

Ratchet sat back up, rubbing at his sore neck. "Ms. Darby, I thank you for calling. And I will rest. After all, I need a clear thinking processor to be at my best for Nightstalker."

He could hear her smile over the line. "Thank you, Ratchet. I've got to go now. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Ratchet clenched his servos as he looked over at Jack and Cliffjumper talking to each other near the still comatose Nightstalker. His throat tightened.

I will rest. But only when Nightstalker is healing.

Still, he needed an energon cube. He was running so low it was a wonder he had kept functional as long as he had.

As he started to head to the back, he heard a strangled, "R-Ratch—Ratchet, Ratchet! She's awake!"

Ratchet had bolted across the room faster than he had in millennia. True, Nightstalker was awake, and she was staring up heedlessly at the ceiling. After a moment, she started to close her eyes again, so Ratchet blurted, "Nightstalker!"

Her optics opened again. After jumping a moment, they fixated themselves on Ratchet. The medic was so relieved to see her awake that he nearly smiled, but it slipped away and he became professional again. "Nightstalker, can you hear me?"

She nodded.

He snatched up his flashlight. He pointed it near her face. "Follow the light for me, Nightstalker."

Though she did so, there was a certain listlessness to her movements. His throat tightened again. She was very much in shock, and she didn't quite seem to understand where she was. Ratchet snapped a finger, and this time when she looked, her head moved too. "Nightstalker, are you with me?"

Another faint nod.

Ratchet vented sharply and performed another scan of her, checking for trauma and monitoring how her levels changed now that she was awake and . . . possibly lucid. He wasn't sure yet. "Do you know where you are?"

She nodded again.

"Where are you?"

Her mouth opened, and then, she seized in a sharp intake. After a moment, her lips quivered, and she said, "Y—Th—" a couple more incomprehensible sounds and finally, "The silo."

Her words slurred a little, as if she was having troubles getting her articulators to work, but a relieved sigh expelled from Ratchet. Yes, lucid, though a little confused, as she should be . . .

"Can you turn your head left and right for me?"

She did so, cheeks twitching as she did, and he noted the way her chest seized up as she did so. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

"Yes."

He nodded again. "Your motor lines are inflamed," he told her. "That's why it hurts."

"Oh."

Her lack of response bothered him, or, no, her lack of EMOTIONAL response troubled him, but he didn't want to press the situation. "Are you comfortable?" He performed a deeper scan on her processor.

"No."

Ratchet carefully reached out to her, and when she oddly didn't flinch, he took the liberties to shift her little body again as he had dozens of times before to keep her from getting bed sores. "Better?"

"No. I hurt."

His spark panged. "I know. I'm trying to fix it." He paused and licked his lips. "You've been in a coma for nine days now." When Nightstalker blinked without inflection, Ratchet had to beat his raging emotions back. He did touch the side of her helm gently, reminding her that not all touches were like what Megatron had done to her. "W-We're glad to have you back in the land of the living," he choked out. His throat worked when she failed to respond, and he snapped again. She looked. "Nightstalker, do you . . . remember what happened?"

"Yeah."

Ratchet swallowed, taking her shoulder gently. "Are you all right?"

"No."

The emotionless response tore his spark out. Ratchet felt his intakes seize with compassion, and he very carefully kept a lid on his emotions. He gently touched her cheek, saying, "I know . . . I'm trying to fix that too."

Nightstalker just stared, seemingly unaware of the pain she was putting the medic through. In reality, she was busy trying to distract herself from the memory of what Megatron did to her. Ratchet buzzed about her for some time before he filled her line of sight again. "Nightstalker, Raf wants to sit with you."

"No."

His optics widened in surprise. "You don't want him with you?"

"No."

Ratchet turned with the unfortunate news, softly giving it to the boy. Raf cried a little and sniffled, but the medic told him to give her some time.

And so, Nightstalker lied on the medical berth, all alone. She hated being alone, but she wanted to be alone. She let her mind wander to the one mech she hadn't thought about in years.

So. Dad. It’s been a long time since I’ve tried to talk to you. Honestly, I’m just trying to blot things out of my mind right now. I’m tired of thinking about . . .

Anyways, things have certainly changed. I’m an Autobot now, what are you?

Oh, that’s right, I wouldn’t know . . . I’d still love it if you could come see me. You know, you wouldn’t have to be responsible for me now. I’m old enough to take care of myself now. I know you don’t want to be, that’s why you left, right? I mean . . . Did I do something? Did Fli-Ni? Did Mom? If it was mom, then why did I have to suffer for what she did? I didn’t do anything to you! I was just a sparkling!

Her body tensed a little on the berth in her anger. Then, as quick as it came, the anger was gone.

I just want to meet you, you know? I want to know who my daddy is. I don’t know you, but I still want to, whether you abandoned us or not. Unless you’re dead and I just waste my time talking to a corpse. Wouldn’t that be a morbid twist on things?

I’m just saying that you’re the only one I’ve got left. I mean, Fli-Ni’s dead. So is Mom. My half brother just closed me out of his spark. My step father hates my guts. And the mech I thought I loved just raped me. Yeah, you heard me right, I was raped! So why weren’t you here to do something about it! You’re my father! You’re supposed to be there for me! You’re supposed to be the one to RIP HIM APART for what he did to me or die trying!

. . . Good riddance. I really hate you sometimes. You’re never there when I need you. Never there when I want you. Never there at all. Sometimes I wonder if you even exist. I tried to replace you, you know? But you know what luck gives me? Optimus Prime. I thought he was perfect, and then I learn that he lusts after me. Sometimes I lust for him too after that kiss, so obviously that relationship is down the hole . . . I bet you’re laughing at that too! You just love it that I don’t have a father!

By Primus, I WILL replace you. I’ll find someone better. Someone who’s not afraid to tell me right and wrong. I’ll find someone that’s a genius in his profession! I’ll—I’ll find someone! He’ll be the best father in the world! He’ll hold me when I’m scared or hurting instead of abandoning me! He’ll support me and do everything to help me!

She coiled up again in her anger, unable to do more than that. Again, she lost the strength to be angry, and she slumped back down.

. . .

I know. That’s stupid. It always was a fanciful, childish thought. No one’s going to stand up to something like that. There isn’t a mech that fits the bill. Optimus was especially stupid. He’s a commander and can’t afford relationships like that, so it wouldn’t have worked even IF he didn’t want to frag me. Seems almost every mech around wants to frag me. Even Wheeljack looked at me like that. At least Bulkhead and Ratchet have decency.

If I met you and we didn’t know each other, would you want me too? Ha, and if you gave me even the littlest of affections I’d fall right into your trap. Wouldn’t that be another nice sin to add to my list of grievances over my lifetime! Interfacing with my own father!

Primus, you’re disgusting, and I hate you! I’m broken! I’m almost dead! I’ve been raped, and you aren’t here to comfort me! You aren’t here to get revenge for me, you’re not here at all! You’re not even real!

Tears of denial slipped out of her optics. She tensed up, trying to move, or something, she wasn't sure, but the most she could do was lift up a little with her stomach and shoulders. Everything else was unresponsive. Her servos wouldn't curl into tight fists like she was trying, and that just depressed her more. She slumped back down again, defeated by her own body. She couldn't feel anything beneath her waist. Everything felt disconnected.

. . .

Look at me, crying over you again. And I hate it that I want you here. I still want to know who you are. I don’t know you, but I want to so badly, and that’s why this silence hurts the most. Yeah, I really hate the silence. It just reminds me of being alone, and I don’t think I could bear life if I was always alone. It’s scary. And it’s so quiet that all you can hear is your own spark beat like you’ve been abandoned . . .

Did you go off to war to protect Mom? I’m sure that’s what it was, you didn’t abandon us, you just wanted to make sure we could be safe. I bet you’re a great warrior. I bet you’re a high ranking officer, with dramatic bright colors on your armor, like reds and purples. I bet you’re armored to the teeth with weapons, and you’ll have a grand sword. You’d be my knight in shining armor. You’ve been looking for me all these years, and you’ve despaired just like me that you can’t find me.

Yeah. Yeah, and secretly you grieve that I’ve died because you think I died in the slaughter of the femmes and sparklings on Kaon. You think you’ve lost me forever, but you keep looking just out of sheer desperation and a longing to have your little girl again, yeah . . .

And when we finally find each other, it’s going to be beautiful and perfect. We’ll cry, and we’ll hug each other, and we’ll finally fix the bond that’s been broken over these years. Do you think we could adopt Bumblebee? I’d love to have a brother that really loves me. No, I wouldn’t be replacing Fli-Ni, but I really love Bumblebee, I’d love to have him as a brother, I’m just afraid it would look like I was trying to replace Fli-Ni, and I’m not, I promise . . .

But a REAL father wouldn’t leave me alone!

Nightstalker seized the anger again just when she thought she was having friendly, civil conversation again. That anger deep within flared back up again, unable to be controlled by despair.

Primus, a real father wouldn’t leave me alone to pick up all the broken pieces of my life! Sometimes I think I should have just LET Megatron rape me to death! I should have just died and been put out of my misery! Maybe you’re dead too, and I could have met you in the Pit and asked you all my questions, because we sure don’t belong in the Well of All Sparks! Yeah, cause I’m just a fragging glitch that’s fragged with a mech all her life and tortured people all her life! I’m good for nothing but causing people misery! Everyone I touch I ruin!

So, does that make you happy? Are you happy with yourself, wherever you are? Are you with some mech or femme you love with all your spark? Did you just cover me up and blot me out like I never existed? Mom too? So what was the point of bonding with her in the first place? What was the point of having me if you didn’t love us? Did you? Did you love my mom? Did you even care at all?

DID YOU EVER LOVE ME!?

I want to know! Just one slagging answer, please! These are the confessions of a broken spark! MY broken spark! And I can’t bear it anymore, I’m coming undone, I don’t have anything to hang on for! I just want to die! I want to die!

. . . Why couldn’t Fli-Ni have lived instead of me? I’m sure he would have done something good with his life. He could have been a majestic warrior, right? He was always strong, and outgoing, and he was good at sneaking and stealing, those would have been good traits to have in the war, he could have made it . . . Strong like his father.

But me? I’m weak. And I know I didn’t get that from Mom, I feel that from my peds to my wings. So it must be you. You’re weak. And you’ve passed your wretched weakness to me. And I bet that’s why I’ve been shunned by both Autobots and Decepticons for so long. It’s because you abandoned me, betrayed me, and I’ve gained that trait too! I abandon people and I’m a traitor! First the ‘Cons, then the Bots, and now the ‘Cons again!

Were you a torturer too? Did you enjoy making people miserable like I do?

This is so depressing, I can’t even think about this anymore . . . I’ve waited for you for so long. Hasn’t this been long enough? Can’t you show up already? I can’t find you, and I feel like giving up. I feel like you don’t even exist. And you’re cold shoulder only makes it worse. I mean, I’m broken, but I’m hoping one day I’ll find you . . . And I mean, I’m crying all the time over you, but have you even cried a tear for me? I really like to think you have. I love to feed myself delusions that I have a loving father somewhere.

That painful hope swelled in her chassis again. Her needy spark reached out desperately for the love she didn't have.

Or . . . Maybe I do. Oh Primus, what if you really are out there, and you really do love me, and I’m sitting here doubting you? What kind of daughter would I be to do that? I knew I was wretched, I really did, but I didn’t think it was this bad . . . I’m sorry, Daddy, I won’t ever doubt you again, I promise . . .

. . .

So, what do you look like? Are you tall? If you are, I wish I had gotten that trait. I’d like to be taller than this. It’s really quite sad how small I am. The silver color came from Mom, right? Did the orange come from you? Mom was yellow . . . right? Yellow in her protoform? I don’t know, I can’t remember, she’s just a fuzz to me, Fli-Ni could tell me . . .

But hey, you’re just a fuzz to me too. Not even that. You’re nothing. You’re just nothing to me. Do you know why? Because you ABANDONED me! I never knew you! And at this rate, I don’t think I ever will, and I just want to be loved by you so much and you’re not here—!

Hot tears began to seep out of her optics again. She began to cry softly, fed up with it all. Jack looked over before calling for Ratchet again.

Did you ever love me? Why’d you have to go? WHY! Why did you have to leave us, just tell me that, something, please . . . ! I just want some answers, I don’t care how much they hurt at this point, I just want to know! Please! Please, I just want—I just want to be loved because . . . I love you! And I know that’s stupid because you’re not even there, you’re just nothing, you’re not even real, but I still love you! I love you because you’re my father! Do you love me because I’m your daughter? I still love you, no matter what! I love you! I—I LOVE YOU!

Primus scrap you for leaving me! You’re cruel! Cold! Heartless! And I hate that I love you! Or the idea of you! I don’t—I don’t even know! I just—I want—I—I—

I need a father! A part of me is dying without one, I didn’t have anyone to teach me, to nourish me, to . . . I just—I need SOMEONE to look up to like a father! And now that Optimus and I have ruined things, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who to turn to . . . I really am wretched and pathetic . . . Just like you . . . So I want someone strong as my daddy. I want him to be strong, and driven, and smart. And I want him to love me and care about me and hold me and kiss me . . . He’s got to comfort me when I’m crying. Like, if I had a father, he’d hold me right now, he’d tell me I wasn’t alone and would promise to protect me . . . I just—I want . . .

"Nightstalker?" Ratchet's hands were taking her again. When Nightstalker just cried harder, his spark fell to pieces, and he shushed her gently, scooping her into his arms and holding her to his chassis. She pressed her face there, crying so hard she couldn't see through the tears.

I just want a father! I want someone to be there for me! I want a father! I WANT A FATHER!

She sobbed, breaking under the weight of her broken spark, and Ratchet held her softly, whispering comforting things like, "Easy, Nightstalker. It's all right. Megatron's not here. We won't let him hurt you again, I promise . . . Shh, it's going to be all right . . ." Though he told himself he shouldn't, he kissed the top of her helm and held her tighter, optics blurring. "It's all right, Nightstalker . . . You're not alone, I'm right here. Shh, I won't ever let Megatron hurt you again . . . I'll protect you, by Primus, Nightstalker, shh, it's all right, I'm here . . ."